The Hobbit Trailer, and How I Couldn't Care Less (Except for This One Reason): A Disorderly Rant with a Really Misleading Title

Yes, like the title this picture is also mildly misleading. No, I don't mention this horrible excuse for
nerd humor in the post below, but it is kind of related. Only reading further will satisfy your curiosity!

So, you probably noticed how 1 out of every 3 people posted The Hobbit trailer on facebook yesterday. And yes, I think it's 2 ½ minutes of stupid, but that's not saying much; I think nearly all movies—and movie trailers—are pretty stupid. I'm not a film lover, obviously. And while this would seem to preclude me from making any sort of useful comment on the art form in general, the ubiquity of the trailer among my nerdish friends causes me to reflect a moment on my own relationship to the science fiction and fantasy community.

            A little context first, though: The term community is somewhat problematic, because the use of it implies a cohesion that I don't in fact know exists. I think it does, of course; I have some proof; but I have only the most tangential relationship to it. Despite the fact that I read little other than sff—I'm serious; I haven't read a single book in the last six years that wasn't at least marginally related to the genre—and write it, my interest doesn't extend very far beyond the literature. Other than a few exceptions, I dislike sff movies and TV. While liking the general concept of such things, I don't play video games or role-playing games.

            Don't misinterpret me, here. I'm not writing this to prove how much better I am that I dislike what everybody else likes. I'm not 16 years old, for goodness sake. What I'm attempting to do is cast an admittedly broad net over the whole of sff nerd culture—one that seeks to account for as many types of media as possible. The reason for this is simple: In my broadening experience, I find most representatives of the culture to be quite unlike myself in that they are incredibly aware of what's happening in To All Things Everywhere. They're connected in a way I'm not, invested emotionally in so many different realms.

            It often seems like they love Fucking Everything.

            Now, I'm not saying that isn't frustrating sometimes to be so, uh, particular. I have a friend, one buttfaced overachiever named Ben Burgis, who has remarked on many occasions that I dislike everything. Oh, Zack hates Philip Dick! Big surprise. I've had people ask me before, Do you like anything?—when they never went to the trouble to ask me what I like. Sure, if you just keep focusing on the fact that I loathe everything Joss Whedon's ever done—despite my very open-minded attempt to see the virtue in that pile of garbage shitfest Firefly—then obviously I'm going to seem like a career hater. But if you ask me about literature or, heaven forbid, music, you'll find out quickly that there are many things I love intensely.

            Perhaps it's the fact that I'm willing to critique even the things I love—no, that I enjoy critiquing even the things I love—that bothers people. For so many nerds (shit; people in general) such pointed, unambiguous criticism is tantamount to betrayal.

            Oh, of course there were problems with the Lord of the Rings movies, but...

            No "but," I say. Fuck but. If I think there's a problem with something, then I'll goddamn say it. Will it stop me from liking a book just because I think the author is a sexist dickhead? Not necessarily—not if the rest of the story is good. What I won't do is give the work my undying recommendation, because everything in the world is flawed. The ability to love something or someone while noting their shortcomings is a mark of a sophisticated intellect.

            Ah... Okay. I've gotten off the topic as usual. If I'm not careful, this will turn into the spiteful, I'm-better-than-you-because-I-actually-am-the-equivalent-of-a-whiny-misunderstood-16-year-old, anti-nerd culture invective I kind of want to write.

            Getting back on track: The honest fact of the matter is that The Hobbit trailer has me wondering how I can ever fit into the whole sff scene. I would love to think that my dislike of so many things that are generally considered to be hallmarks of the culture would not preclude me from inclusion into the musty, Dorito-smelling halls of nerddom. I'd like to think the convention geeks really are as inclusive as so many claim. But I doubt. I see how excited—okay; rabid—fans of Star Wars or Tolkein get, and I think If I'm ever famous enough as an author to be on a panel and I happen to say something vaguely critical of the hallowed canon, these motherfuckers are gonna beat me to death in the parking lot.

            Of course, it might not even get that far. I might not even have to open my mouth.

            Little story for you as an example: As I've mentioned recently, I lived for about half a year in Chile. It always amazed me how Chileans could pick me out as a foreigner. I mean, I have a skin tone similar to most of the nationals. I have dark hair, dark eyes. Nonetheless, I realized over time that these similarities barely mattered. I walked differently. I wore a slightly different style of clothing. For all I know, I didn't smell like a Chilean because my diet was odd. These subtle cues, when you added them up, gave me away every time.

            I worry that I'll be found out in the same way, when and if I start going to conventions—when and if I start trying to promote a book I've written. I worry that however great my desire to be a member of the sff world, my particularity will give me away as a fraud.

            Oh, how I would call Injustice! Injustice! Oh, how self-righteous I would get. I have the credentials, you swine!

            (And here I'm gonna give in to vanity and have some fun.)

·      I was accepted into University of Liverpool's Science Fiction Studies MA program, bitches! (That a situation called me back to the US before I could start it is irrelevant. I still applied and was so excited when I was accepted I pooped a little in my pants.)

·      None other than James Patrick Kelly has told me on at least two separate occasions—while I was writing sff stories at the Stonecoast MFA program where he teaches—that I was probably the most well read student in the science fiction genre in the program. (Or second most well read; I don't remember. And no, I don't think he's right, but still...)

·      On three separate occasions in my life I have ripped—literally ripped—my underwear off my body and used it as toilet paper. I have also used pieces of bread as toilet paper, as well as the plastic bag the bread came in. (What this has to do with the culture, I have little idea. No, wait... If you take the stereotype of the sff nerd as a slightly gross, socially maladjusted individual seriously, then obviously my behavior bolsters my self-identification as an sff nerd.)

            Ah, that felt good. Maybe if I can pile on a few more qualifications, I'll someday be able to safely show my disdain for stupid shit like 99% of anime, or The Hobbit trailer, or literally every Saturday-morning cartoon from the 80s. If I get famous enough for writing sff stories, perhaps I'll have carte blanche to spraypaint the words JOSS WHEDON SUCKS AT DIALOGUE on a billboard at Dragon*Con and people will cheer. (Okay, I know: Shut up about Joss Whedon. But seriously, what is it that everyone loves about his hellishly awful creations? It's like I'm the only man born with the gene that allows a person to recognize his crappy crap for what it is.)

            Okay. That's it. Disordered rant over.